


Happiness Does Exist

by atomicSoundwaves



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Humanstuck, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-26
Updated: 2013-06-26
Packaged: 2017-12-16 05:08:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/858148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atomicSoundwaves/pseuds/atomicSoundwaves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanaya revisits her past and focuses on remembering a certain memory she could never forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happiness Does Exist

You remember the first time you two met. It wasn't necessarily love at first sight for the both of you, but you did happen to feel some sort of spark between you two. 

As normal as it may sound, you two met in a library. You guess that today you were feeling spontaneous, so instead of picking out a book about vampires, you chose to get one about wizards. Well okay, someone kind of persuaded you to start reading the Harry Potter series. You never saw what was so great about it, but you guess it was interesting enough to make you stay almost all day just reading the books. Your friends always thought it was weird that you read so fast. You just love reading, what more is there to say on the matter?

You were about to grab the fifth book in the series until your hand met another. You looked over and saw a blond girl, about your age you presume, reaching out for the same one.

"Forgive me, you can have it if you'd like," she said. Her voice was so calm and soothing, as if she'd lived in a library her entire life and got used to speaking that way.

"Oh no, go right ahead. You were here first after all." You don't know why you didn't just hoard all of the books in the series so you wouldn't have to get up all the time. You guess you've thought, 'I'll stop reading once I finish this book,' too many times.

"Actually, it seems you've been here longer, seeing as you get up every now and then to retrieve the next book in the series. I would hate to break the streak you've kept up, but I also must say I'm quite impressed at how fast you read."

You blushed. You can't believe that you just fucking blushed. You get compliments all the time, this one should have been shrugged off just like all the other ones with a quick 'thank you'. But this one was different. She wasn't telling you, 'I like your hair,' or, 'You have a great sense of fashion.' Those you get all the time. She was complimenting you on how fast you read, which no one has ever told you before, so it felt different. 

"Are you alright? Your face is really red."

"Oh I'm fine, thank you." You smiled at her and she smiled back. She stuck out her hand, expecting you to give her a handshake.

"Rose Lalonde. Its very nice to meet you." You had no idea why you were a bit stunned at the action, and you even stuttered a bit.

"K-Kanaya. Kanaya Maryam. Its a pleasure to make your acquaintance." You shook her hand and she handed you the book. "Thank you," you said, wondering if she knew that it went for the compliment as well.

"It was my pleasure. Say, you wouldn't mind if I sat with you, would you?" Again, you blushed just a bit. You don't have the slightest idea why she seems to have that effect on you. You smiled very sincerely, trying to cover the blush.

"Not at all. I'd like it very much if we sat and talked for a while." So that's what you did. You completely forgot about the book once you started conversing. You both started to giggle about silly things at some point and were eventually shushed by the librarian. You completely lost track of time and before you knew it the librarian returned, only to remind the both of you that it was closing time.

You and Rose stood up and started walking to the exit. You were both smiling like two lovestruck teenagers, but you couldn't care less. "Say," Rose started, "how about we meet up sometime? I really enjoyed our time together and I'd absolutely love it if we could do it again soon."

That sincere smile was shown once more and you gladly agreed. The two of you exchanged numbers while Rose asked you a question. "Do you by any chance have a Pesterchum?" You nodded, and proceeded to write your handle down on a piece of paper. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Rose, but I'm afraid we must part ways now. Pester me whenever you like, I'm always available."

From then on you two were inseparable. You used to have a lot of free time before you met her, but she seemed to instantly change that. A certain crabby individual seemed to notice this little detail before you did.

"What the fuck is so great about her? Ever since you two met its been 'Rose this' and 'Rose that'. As far as I can tell, she's just like every other unintelligent shitstain I've met, only smarter. You two spend nearly all your time together, from the asscrack of dawn until whatever ungodly hour it is you decide to stop dicking around and go the hell to sleep." Karkat Vantas. He has a very creative vocabulary complete with unnecessary insults, but you've been friends with him for such a long time that you've gotten quite used to the way he talks. He's always very rude, but you know he means well and he's just worried about you.

"Well for one, Rose happens to be close friends with your crush, Karkat. Said person's name is John Egbert, if I'm not mistaken." The look on his face was priceless and you almost laughed, if it weren't for the fact that you knew that face well. He was embarrassed, if not a bit surprised. You noticed his distress as soon as he tried to hide his red face. "Karkat," you said in a motherly tone, "you know there's nothing wrong with having those feelings towards another man. Its perfectly fine with me."

He stopped hiding his face and instead chose to look at the ground. "Its not because he's a guy, Kanaya. Its because he's a fucking idiot and I have no idea as to why my stupid heart chose to have feelings for HIM and not anyone else on this stupid planet."

"Perhaps you like him because there is something else about him that you find attractive? You know, other than the way he acts."

"No. Fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid hair, his dumbass smile, his... his really nice blue eyes, his adorable laugh, and his voice, oh man his voice is so annoying, but I love it. And his buck teeth, they're just so cute..." He stopped himself from trailing off any further, seeing as he went to the same school as both John and Rose, and it was currently lunchtime, which he also shared with John. You beamed at him because he was blushing yet again. You thought it was adorable how he loved John but he never admitted it to anyone but you.

How nice does it feel to be in love? You've never had a crush on anyone. You always thought that it wasn't necessary to have romantic feelings towards someone else. You've read in books that characters with a crush often have an increased heart rate, blush whenever the person speaks to them in a friendly manner, and cannot stop thinking or talking about them. And then your thoughts trail off to Rose. You always feel like that around her. You don't know what it is that just makes you demand more from her than just a friendly hug, or the feeling of her hand holding yours. Holy shit you're in love. With Rose. Rose Lalonde. The girl with short blond hair and lavender eyes, such a unique eye color, and creamy white skin. Karkat must have noticed how confused you were from the shocked expression on your face, because a moment later he shook you out of your thoughts. 

"Kanaya, are you okay?" He's genuinely concerned about you. The face he has gives it away.

"Y-yes, I'm fine. Just thinking about... Things," You replied with obvious hesitation in your voice. You spent the rest of the day just thinking about Rose. But you weren't thinking about all her nice features, you were thinking about every awful scenario you can think of if you were to confess to her. When you got home you immediately went to your room and threw yourself on your bed. Moments later someone was texting you, but you ignored it. You wanted to sort your feelings out first before talking to anyone.

You never thought that you were a lesbian, you always assumed you were straight. Well, you've never given your sexuality much thought, since you've never liked anyone. So that automatically makes Rose your first crush. Splendid. How the hell are you supposed to tell her? 'Hey, Rose I'm sixteen and you're my first crush ever and I've probably loved you for the two months that we've known each other'? That sounds pathetic. How can that possibly win over her heart? Oh god, now you sound like one of those crazy lovestruck lunatics. And just as you thought it couldn't get any worse, one thought comes to mind that hurts you and scares you beyond belief. 

What if Rose isn't into women? What if once you confess she rejects you by saying she will never feel the same way about you because your feelings are disgusting?

But Rose would never say that! She's so nice, how can she possibly turn you down in such a rude manner?

But what if she does reject you like that? What if she thinks your feelings towards her are so repulsive that she doesn't want to see you ever again? You don't want her to hate you, you want the exact opposite of that. You don't think you can stand any kind of rejection, even if its such a nice way of doing it. It doesn't matter what way she might do it, she'll still hurt you a lot. Even if there's a little bit of hesitation in her voice, your heart will break. And you think it would be worse if you don't tell her. Because you believe that not knowing would hurt twice as much. If you keep it a secret, your emotions will end up destroying you. So you're going to tell her the next time you see her. You don't want to hurt yourself. You would much rather prefer someone else doing it for you. You realized that you will probably never be happy, no matter how hard you try. You always try to make others so happy while you yourself are never genuinely smiling. Rose somehow managed to always make you smile a real smile. But you have to face reality sometime, and realize that life's a bitch and it will most likely never get better for you. You almost didn't notice the tears falling down your face. Once you did you tried your best to cry quietly so you would avoid disturbing your mother.

Your name is Kanaya Maryam and you're absolutely sick of your emotions.

/\/\/\/\

Today was a Saturday. You and Rose were going to stay at your place for the weekend. You're glad you didn't have to go looking for her like they usually did in sappy romance movies. Once she came over everything seemed to be going normal. For the majority of your day you forgot about your problems. That is, until your hand brushed by Rose's. That's when reality hit you again. You looked away quickly, while Rose looked confused. Oh well, it was now or never.

"Rose," you began, "there's something I need to tell you."

"Yes? What is it?"

Oh god she's looking at you with such a worried expression. "Well... I like you, Rose. I really like you. And I've liked you ever since we've met. I guess you can say, as corny as it sounds, it was love at first sight." She's blushing such a deep red and looks so shocked, but it only makes you even more nervous than you already are. But you started this, and you have to finish it. 

"There's something about you that sends my heart fluttering when you're near me. And I know this may sound odd, but when we first met was the same day that I finally had a genuine smile on my face in what seems like forever. Rose, you make me happy. So happy that I regret ever thinking about ending my life."

At that statement, her eyes widened, and she looked like she was about to cry. "Kanaya, I-"

"But its fine if you don't feel the same way. As long as I get to see you, even if its just one more time, I'll be okay."

You started crying and Rose did too. But instead of just sitting there like a lifeless doll, she leaned in and kissed you. "Are you insane? I've felt the same way about you for a long time too. Kanaya, please don't ever think about killing yourself. You're a wonderful person that deserves way better than that." 

You remember that day well. Right after Rose got you to stop crying, she cheered you up by kissing you a few more times while saying she loves you.

You can't believe that its been five years since that day, and you two are living together now. She's changed you. Before, you used to have so many problems, but Rose fixed them all. Turns out that all you needed was someone willing to be there for you. You don't cry anymore, and if you do, its usually because you're happy. You are currently in a state of something you never thought even existed: Happiness.

Your name is Kanaya Maryam and you now believe that no matter how hard life can be, it will always get better for everyone.

No matter how long it takes.


End file.
